Depression testimony: how Raphaël came out of denial, went through anxiety, and found hope again

Interview conducted and article written by Margaux Damain, podcaster and writer specialising in mental health and science communication.

You can read the transcript of the interview or listen to the podcast 🎧

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Summary : Raphaël’s testimony on his depression and recovery

Discover Raphaël’s testimony about his past depression — a sincere conversation filled with great wisdom. In this interview, Raphaël talks about the difficult yet also constructive journey through depression and denial, triggered by a romantic breakup and an intense questioning of his identity. Read or listen to this essential testimony to concretely understand the weight of guilt, the impact of paralyzing anxiety, and the hope gradually regained through professional support and introspection.

Raphaël describes the intensity of the illness: debilitating anxiety and chronic insomnia that made everyday tasks insurmountable. His journey highlights the difficulty of coming out of denial, fuelled by society’s expectations of performance and the fear of admitting vulnerability as a man.

Recovery began by listening to those close to him and an emergency treatment (medication) to restore vital functions such as sleep, followed by psychotherapy. Raphaël emphasises the role of introspection, particularly through reading, to deconstruct limiting beliefs and “psychological fear.”

Today, Raphaël feels better and adopts a preventive and humble approach. He recognises that taking care of oneself is an ongoing act, beneficial not only for oneself but also for others. This account offers a message of hope and concrete keys for those suffering from depression or supporting someone who is.

Depression : Raphaël’s full testimony

Margaux: Hello everyone, I’m Margaux. As the creator of Sous le tapis, I talk about mental health through this podcast, as well as through science communication articles.

And today, I’m joined by Raphaël, who accepted my invitation to speak with courage and sensitivity about depression and denial. Hello Raphaël!

Raphaël: Hello Margaux, thank you for having me.

Margaux: My pleasure! Raphaël, a few years ago, you fell in love with a woman. At the time, you were already in a relationship. But one day, you decided to leave the person you were with, to live out this new love story. So far, so good.

And yet, this romantic breakup was also a total rupture with your previous life. It was a decisive moment, but also an upheaving one. Because it marked the beginning of an intense questioning of your identity, and of a profound depression.

What happened?

Depression testimony: looking back at the context and the trigger

Raphaël: That’s a good question, one I’ve asked myself for a long time. We can put words to it — we can talk about romantic depression. I haven’t been able to speak with people, with friends who have also experienced depression, that didn’t quite match mine exactly.

“I felt a lot of guilt [for having left her]. It gnawed at me, it gave me anxiety, and it led to insomnia and depression.” — Raphaël’s testimony

Raphaël: I realised at that point that the pillar of my life was this long relationship — twelve years of life together. Someone for whom I had left my country, even my first job, in order to be close to her. And so I felt an enormous void, and above all I felt a great deal of guilt. I believe it was truly that feeling of guilt that gnawed at me, that gave me anxiety, and that led to insomnia and depression.

I think there is a weight to bear when you leave someone. Perhaps it’s considered improper, something that isn’t done and is still looked down upon. In any case, for me, it’s true that I wanted a long relationship that would last a lifetime. I had put that pressure on my shoulders. I had those expectations.

And yet, it was I myself who was putting an end to it, who was throwing everything away. When you leave someone, you know what you’re leaving. You have a good idea of the person you’re leaving, of everything you had together — but you don’t know what you stand to gain. That’s the main issue. So regret can come very quickly.

And above all, you are hurting the other person. A breakup is never easy. Seeing my ex suffer was very hard for me. I think that was the hardest part. There is, therefore, an entire process of forgiveness to go through. Even if the other person forgives you, it’s another thing entirely to forgive yourself, to truly turn the page.

Guilt — a potentially devastating feeling

Raphaël: Everything became entangled. I don’t think it was just the breakup at play. There were no doubt demons from my past that resurfaced. I think it brought me back to my own childhood, and specifically to my parents’ separation. And so it was very difficult.

“When you’re in that state, it’s hard to step back and analyse the why.” — Raphaël’s testimony

Raphaël: When you’re in that emotional state, it’s hard to step back and analyse the why. And I’m not even sure it’s the right moment for that. I think that when you’re going through that desert crossing, you already need to rebuild your health, because you’re not sleeping well, anxiety is coursing through your body.

And so it’s not easy to be kind to yourself and patient when you’re also in a state of deep guilt.

Margaux: Listening to you, Raphaël, I can really hear that sense of being at fault, of being tremendously angry with yourself for this choice you made. When you told me your story, the decision was actually quite thought through. One can certainly expect some guilt and a long period of questioning.

But with hindsight, how do you explain that this event was the trigger for a depression? Because we are talking about depression — it’s something serious in terms of emotions, psychological and physical state. Why this depression?

Why does a romantic breakup trigger deep depression?

Raphaël: I think there was already a mental fatigue, even before I entered into a relationship with that person. I was someone who somewhat forbade himself happiness.

It’s hard to say, but I was always in a kind of hypervigilance where I was very focused on others’ wellbeing. As a result, I would often forget myself, and I had obviously placed that relationship on a pedestal.

“I was someone who somewhat forbade himself happiness. This depression was lying in wait. It was ready to surface.” — Raphaël’s testimony

Raphaël: And so this depression was lying in wait. It was ready to surface. When the breakup happened, suddenly my identity was shaken. I wasn’t someone who was very career-oriented or into sport… Yes, I have hobbies, I’m a very social person who loves spending time with friends, but my relationship was truly at the centre of my life.

So inevitably, with this breakup, I was, in a way, questioning my identity. And… you need a minimum of confidence and a sense of ease with your own identity in order to navigate this world. I think that’s where depression can step in.

Suddenly, you can no longer live with the identity you’ve built, that you’ve chosen. And so there’s a moment of limbo. A moment where you’re not comfortable with yourself, where you even hate yourself.

From guilt to adopting the “false depressive self”

Raphaël: For a long time, I had associated depression with a form of self-hatred. Of discontent. I was not allowing myself to be happy because I had hurt the person I loved most in the world.

And so it was very hard mentally to manage that. And I think it’s a mistake because guilt is a bottomless pit and it can truly harm you. You can go very far into gloom and darkness.

I don’t think it’s worth it, actually. I feel that humans are the only species on Earth that make themselves pay for their mistakes a thousand times over. An animal makes a mistake, it learns, moves on, continues, doesn’t stay in bed all day. It lives — it needs to live.

I thought a lot about the fact that suddenly, by losing this identity, I was finding another one — that of the depressed person — and I was taking comfort in that melodrama. There was something very insidious about it. It’s not always easy to break free from it, because everything becomes routine. Everything the brain does becomes a routine, even if it’s hard, even if it’s uncomfortable, even if it’s depression.

Identity loss and the trap of the “false self”

Margaux: If I were to summarise, depression appeared in you because this breakup came to undermine the identity you had built through that relationship — that false self you may have had, those pretences. But on top of that, you carried the guilt of ending a relationship that you had forbidden yourself from ending, most likely because you had yourself suffered from your parents’ separation. And with this loss of identity, you may have unconsciously sought a new identity through the depressive posture, which reinforced your sense of unease. Is that an accurate summary of your journey?

Raphaël: Yes, that’s a very good summary. And it’s true that when you’re in a relationship, you feel loved — if things are going well, if it’s not toxic, of course. You feel you have a reason to exist. You have emotional security, but also material and financial security. It has to be said: as a couple, things are often easier. At least, that’s what we tell ourselves.

So inevitably, when you suddenly find yourself alone after years of being accompanied by a partner, it feels strange. You might even be angry at your parents, or in a kind of flight forward — changing countries, as was my case. I went to live in Spain. But if things are going well with your partner, you’re full of enthusiasm, you have the feeling that nothing can stop you! You have your relationship — so you’re fine. You have your partner in crime. You set off on an adventure together, and nothing else matters.

Breakup and emotional dependency: returning to family roots

Raphaël: But it’s dangerous, because it prevents us from looking at what we haven’t resolved in our childhood and with our parents. And yet, it was through this depression, and following this breakup, that I grew closer to my mother and my father, with whom I had been on cold terms.

Romantic depression is something, I think, common to many people. There is a form of emotional dependency, and when you experience a breakup after a long relationship, you have invested a great deal of time and energy. And because you love the person — you shouldn’t think that leaving someone means you no longer love them. It’s not that simple.

If it were, then breakups… would be like consensual terminations of employment: you sign a document and it’s done.

A breakup is not that simple. In my case, there was confusion. You can have an intuition, tell yourself that your relationship has run its course, that you need to end it, that it’s even better for the other person and for yourself… but you can also feel confused.

I began to doubt. Guilt made me doubt, and doubt then… paralysed me. Doubt is very pernicious: the more you think, the more you become paralysed. Paralysed in a state of depression, in my case.

Margaux: So there was a complete loss of bearings for you at that moment?

Raphaël: Yes. I was living in Spain, I had left my country for this person. What was I to do after the breakup? Should I go back to France? Which I did try — with a fairly difficult reverse culture shock. Because when you’ve spent a long time in another country, your own country of birth becomes somewhat foreign to you.

Margaux: To help those listening understand depression, how did the illness manifest itself in you?

Depression and anxiety: what did the illness look like?

Raphaël: First and foremost, it was anxiety truly coursing through my body. Meaning: being afraid of the night, afraid of sleeping, afraid of sleep deprivation because you watch the hours go by without closing your eyes. And so you sweat — you drench the sheets in sweat. You have this anxiety that truly gives you the feeling… that it will never go away. And obviously, the more you focus on it, the less it wants to leave.

With insomnia, the body and brain no longer function properly. You struggle to secrete, I imagine, the hormones — serotonin, endorphins, dopamine — that you need to feel at least somewhat well and face the day.

Some ordinary things become very difficult. Going out, buying a baguette — it was a battle…

Anxious paralysis: when simple acts become a fight

Raphaël: I remember once, I needed to renew my identity card. I stood frozen in front of the slot where I had to insert a coin to take the photo. I was in a state of anxious paralysis.

And there, you truly wonder what’s happening to you. You no longer recognise yourself.

Sometimes you look in the mirror and say: “I don’t know what I’m seeing. I don’t know who this person is. I no longer know who I am.”

That’s when you need to seek help. That’s when you need to take it very seriously.

“It’s truly the mind that is in pain. It’s the soul that is suffering. And we shouldn’t wait.” — Raphaël’s testimony

I often draw a parallel: if I had a really bad toothache, I would look for a dentist’s appointment within the hour. Yet that’s not something we do when we’re in the emotional state I just described.

And yet, we should. Because it’s truly the mind that is in pain. It’s the soul that is suffering. And we shouldn’t wait.

Coming out of denial: the help of a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and loved ones

Raphaël: There are psychiatrists and psychologists who are there to guide us, help us, and if necessary, prescribe medication.

To begin with, I was against psychiatry, against medication.

Margaux: Why were you against it at the time?

Raphaël: Because it meant admitting that I had been overwhelmed by myself, that I could no longer manage my own life — feeling like a failure, accepting a kind of defeat.

And I think that may have something to do with the collective mindset. We live in a society where you need to function, be productive, hold your head up, smile, not talk too much about your problems. You have to be “functional.”

The taboo of psychotherapy: “accepting a kind of defeat”

Raphaël: I get the sense that in France in particular — even if that’s changing — there is still a taboo. In other countries, it’s accepted, it’s part of everyday life.

In Argentina, for example, it’s perfectly normal to have a psychologist. It’s even strange if you don’t! It’s quite odd: “You don’t have a therapist? Aren’t you doing well?”

So it’s almost the reverse.

And I really struggled to cross that threshold — to tell myself: “Raph, you need help, you need to see a doctor.” It’s a doctor for the psyche, but it’s still a doctor.

I think I was too hard on myself. Some people are gentler with themselves and have far less difficulty crossing that threshold.

Margaux: When we talked about this podcast, you had mentioned denial, the fact that it took you a long time to recognise your depression. What helped you accept the illness and come out of denial?

Accepting the illness and coming out of denial thanks to loved ones

Raphaël: I think what helped me most was listening to those close to me — those around me who would say: “Maybe you stopped taking your antidepressants too soon. Maybe you haven’t fully recovered. Maybe it would be good to do a few more sessions with a therapist.”

And there, obviously, you can still be in denial: “No, no, I’m fine. I can’t spend my whole life seeing a therapist.”

But I think that if you truly love the people in your life, you listen to them — especially those closest to you. Sometimes they mean well but may hurt you because they phrase things too bluntly or clumsily. That happened. But it’s still useful, because they have the right to tell you when they feel you’re still floundering.

And in my case, even though I’ve made great progress and feel strong enough not to fall back into a morbid depressive state, I tell myself: “Maybe you’re not completely healed.”

🔎 Also read the guide: helping a loved one who is an alcoholic in denial.

When you’ve had, for instance, a serious accident, a compound fracture, you undergo surgery, and then there’s follow-up care, rehabilitation. It’s a bit the same: yes, you’ve done the hardest part, but you need to check months or years later whether it’s truly healed, whether you’re walking normally again.

What bothers me is that with psychotherapy, you never really know.

There’s no deadline. You don’t know when you’ll be healed.

When it’s a physical ailment, you have timelines, it’s tangible: “Well, sir, the fracture has healed — ten sessions and you’ll be done.”

But the soul is different. When can you say that the soul has healed from a depressive state? What’s the criterion?

So I’d think: “Yes, but then what do I do? One session a week? Two? For how many months?” It’s very subjective.

And I always had the feeling that if I threw myself into this, I’d be in therapy for twenty-five years — and I obviously didn’t want that.

I did quite a number of sessions myself. But some people who have been in therapy for years will tell you that’s not enough… and they’re probably right.

Margaux: Yes, I think there are all kinds of experiences. For me, it was a year and a few months. Others need a little more time. It also depends on the relationship you have with the therapist — whether you really dive in head first or tend to hesitate…

The experience of psychotherapy

Margaux: With hindsight, what was your experience of psychotherapy? Did you find it helpful in treating this depression, in getting better?

Raphaël: Yes. These are people who have studied for this. Of course, there needs to be a connection — you need to feel at ease, welcomed.

I think it’s already necessarily useful, because you stop being a burden on those close to you — I’m sorry to put it that way. You go and seek help from someone whose job it is, who is paid for it. And so for that reason alone, for me, it’s enough: giving a bit of space and breathing room to your family, and going to a professional rather than spending too much time ruminating over your problems with your loved ones.

And they will also be able to guide you.

The taboo of antidepressants: a “crutch” that is sometimes necessary

Raphaël: I also think that — if I may take a brief detour on the subject of medication — at one point I was so unable to sleep, I was in such a serious depressive state, that I did resort to Tercian. It’s a fairly strong medication. And then I took Anafranil.

Some will say it’s legal drugs, that it’s a sham… Indeed, I wasn’t in favour of it, but it helped me nonetheless. It was a good crutch to get me back on track, to at least get me sleeping six or seven hours again.

Depression: the signs of an emergency situation

Margaux: To put things in context, you were in an emergency situation. You had such severe anxiety that you had stopped sleeping. Your brain was in a state of breakdown. I picture it somewhat like a computer crash. So first and foremost, it was necessary to see a psychiatrist in order to get medication that would force you to sleep.

Sleeping was the priority, so that you could then regain a presence of mind and begin therapeutic work with a psychologist.

Raphaël: Yes, if you are not at least minimally functional, if your brain is sleeping barely three hours a night, how can you possibly have a decent therapy session?

Again, it’s as if you’ve just broken your leg. You’re not going to immediately think about getting you walking again. First you’ll need to set the bone, go into surgery. There’s the emergency treatment first.

What’s unfortunate, in fact, is getting to that point at all. Ideally, you shouldn’t get there: you should be able to see a psychologist beforehand to prevent these situations.

I’m not sure that’s always possible. I think there are also, unfortunately, serious psychological disorders that remain a mystery. We don’t know whether there’s a genetic component or not. So I’m far from suggesting that this would solve everything.

But I think that in my case, I should have seen a therapist earlier.

Margaux: Yes, and at the same time, listening to you, you did what you could. There is a lot of the unconscious at play: our family history and our traumas heavily condition our decisions and actions as adults. We’re not always aware of that. And then one day, potentially, a Pandora’s box opens… Listening to you, I picture someone who did what they could, and at some point, the entire past came rushing back. That was the moment you began to take care of yourself, with the help of your family.

The trigger of recovery for Raphaël: taking care of yourself is taking care of others

Raphaël: Yes. And I would add that one of the triggers was something my mother said to me. She told me: “You know, taking care of yourself is taking care of others.”

And that really stayed with me, even though I was in a dreadful state. But it left a mark. I’ve never forgotten that phrase, and I think about it often.

What it means to me is: “Raph, if you truly want to love people, if you want to help them, you first need to be well within yourself. Otherwise, how can you help them? You’ll be a burden.”

A burden in the objective sense of the word — not to make the depressed person feel guilty. But in practice, living alongside someone with depression is very hard. Because carers are not necessarily at their best every day either. If on top of that they have to manage someone who can no longer manage themselves, it becomes complicated. Especially if it’s a loved one, someone you care for, with whom there is no emotional distance.

That’s where the psychologist is better equipped, I think. They are a professional, who maintains a certain emotional detachment. Even if, of course, it’s not easy for them either.

But I think that when you manage to reach this moment of awareness, you already take a step forward:

“Ok, I am depressed, I am no longer in denial, I am going to seek help — from a psychologist and/or a psychiatrist. And by healing myself, I am taking care of others.”

That alone is already enormous.

Facing someone with depression: to be direct or not?

Margaux: Yes, that’s clear. I’d like to come back briefly to this notion of denial you touched on earlier. You said that in your case, it was those close to you who helped, by saying certain things at key moments. Some were fairly direct, you said, and sometimes that’s necessary.

I tend to think that being direct with someone who has depression risks making them defensive. If the person is already in denial, confronting them with their depression will most likely just make them shut down completely.

But you’re saying that, on the contrary, it had a positive, shaking effect on you, if I understand correctly?

Raphaël: You are on the defensive when you receive that kind of remark, because it’s not pleasant. It’s not pleasant to be told: “You need a therapist.” It’s not pleasant to be told: “I can’t take this anymore — go find someone to talk to about your problems.”

But I think that, whatever the case, there are moments when, if the person is truly at their lowest, you don’t say those kinds of things. Already because they wouldn’t be receptive, and because you wouldn’t dare. Personally, if I see someone in absolute distress, of course I wouldn’t say that to them. What I can do, though, is accompany them — make an appointment for them, and go with them to their first therapy session, and even the following ones, if needed.

But if, several months or years later, they’re still floundering a bit and the person is in a position to hear things, then yes — why not be direct.

🔎 Also read the article: 4 tips to help a depressed person in denial.

Raphaël: I think that, whatever the case, aggression — in tone, in delivery — is never good. Gentleness always triumphs over harshness.

But I also understand that it’s not easy. Again, a loved one living with a depressed person is also, in some way, a person in distress.

They may also need psychotherapy themselves.

Margaux: That’s very true, what you’re saying.

Raphaël: We’re all candidates, actually. And that’s the thing too: to avoid denial, you have to stop glorifying yourself, stop believing you’re a superhero, and understand that it can happen to anyone, at any age.

When you’re a little humble on that point, you tell yourself: “You know what? Yeah, I’m going to do things right. I’m going to seek help. I’m going to stop bragging, stop lying to myself… The important thing is to be well. What character am I trying to defend here? Someone who works ten, eleven hours a day, never has a headache, is always at the top of their game? That’s ridiculous. That doesn’t exist.”

And we live in an era where, on social media, there’s a lot of fakery. People show themselves at their best, and it makes us believe we have to be like that.

But that’s not true.

The best companies I’ve worked for are those that have started to open up on the subject: companies that offer a psychotherapy budget to their employees — whether through online platforms or by allowing each person to choose their own therapist.

That’s the kind of company that’s moving with the times, that isn’t in denial.

I think denial is a collective matter.

Two books to overcome depression and reconnect with the present

Margaux: Beyond exchanges with a psychiatrist and psychologist, were there other things that helped you heal, regain lucidity, clarity of mind, reaffirm your identity, and come out of depression?

Raphaël: Yes. There were two important books: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

The first made me realise that I was too stuck in the past — ruminating, which had become part of my identity — and that I was worrying too much about the future, looking ahead with anxiety.

It taught me that we only live in the present, that the present is all we can work with. And when you manage to focus your full awareness on the present, you feel much better.

Regaining clarity: the importance of mindfulness

Raphaël: And then The Four Agreements, because the first agreement — “Be impeccable with your word” — is not just about the words we address to others, but also those we address to ourselves. It’s about our inner dialogue. To become aware of your inner dialogue and inner state, you can do very simple little exercises. For instance, doing an emotional check-in in the morning, at midday, and in the evening — or simply when you sense things aren’t going well. “Ok, what’s happening inside me right now? Why am I anxious? Why do I feel this fear? Why am I sweating?”

And often, you realise that there are thoughts, beliefs rising back to the surface.

🔎 Also read the article: 4 steps to better manage your emotions and stop being overwhelmed by them.

Raphaël: In The Four Agreements, we talk about these beliefs we’ve created and accepted since childhood, and that cause us suffering.

In my case, for example, it was: “You have no right to rest.” As if there’s always potentially a problem. You have to be in a state of hypervigilance. Even if you’ve worked a lot during the day, you feel slightly guilty if you rest. That kind of thing was present in me.

And in fact, it’s bottomless. I realised there was an entire part of my psyche that consisted of repeating the same conditioned patterns. As soon as my brain goes into panic mode — telling me “you should do this” or “watch out for that”… In short, there’s a whole load of anxiety on a whole range of subjects. So when my brain is in panic mode, I observe and try to help it to decondition itself. I say to it: “Thank you, brain, for being on alert — but this psychological fear has no grounds, it doesn’t exist.”

Limiting beliefs and the power of “impeccability of word”

Raphaël: Of course, fear is sometimes justified. If you’re facing a hungry wolf in the forest, yes, you’re right to be afraid — the adrenaline surges, fear makes you run or hide. That’s the survival instinct. But here, we’re talking about psychological fear.

The brain doesn’t seem to make much distinction between what’s actually happening right in front of me, and what I put in my head — the scenario, the film playing in my head. These catastrophic scenarios generate cortisol, tension in the body, anxiety, and potentially depression further down the line.

Those are books that gave me keys. I’ve built new conditioned reflexes, but this time centred on my own wellbeing.

Margaux: These books accompanied you through a process of introspection. But to do that work, you have to allow yourself to feel emotions and have the capacity to name them, to put words to them — which isn’t always easy. There are people who find this extremely difficult. In your case, I think you already had those capacities, or at least that psychotherapy allowed you to develop them.

I want to make that clear for those listening, because some people are incapable of naming their emotions. We call this alexithymia. Don’t feel guilty if this is a very difficult exercise for you — it’s not straightforward when you don’t have the support of a psychologist or psychiatrist.

From denial to recovery: how Raphaël feels today

Margaux: Coming back to you, Raphaël — how do you feel today?

Raphaël: Well, I obviously feel better, because for starters, I’m able to get a full, decent night’s sleep. That was truly one of my fears — that I’d never be able to sleep again.

I should also mention that as a result of this depression, I did lose my job. Since I was someone who cared deeply about being of service to others, about being a good employee, someone reliable, losing my job was very hard. I really struggled to bounce back, and to forgive myself, to tell myself it doesn’t matter.

“I’ve learned to be a little kinder to myself, even if I’m still sometimes too hard on myself.” — Raphaël’s testimony

Raphaël: Where I’m doing better is that I’ve learned to be kinder to myself, even though I’m still sometimes too hard on myself, and I still have some conditioned reflexes.

Where I feel truly optimistic is that I don’t take what I’ve achieved for granted. I intend to do a few more psychotherapy sessions. I’m not in denial. And now, I take the initiative. I don’t need anyone to show me the way. I’ll probably do just one session a month, to also stay active in life. To answer your question: rather well, but I’m still being a little vigilant about my state.

Margaux: What I hear is that there is still a desire to clarify certain things, but this time, you’re more in a preventive mode — to avoid falling back into old patterns. The will to no longer be in denial, that’s for certain, and to shed light on certain things that may still be unresolved, perhaps some limiting beliefs that remain.

The art of embodying wisdom and the end of conditioning

Raphaël: Yes, I think I want a true rebirth. I’m someone who is quite fond of reading on the topics of wisdom and personal development… but there is often a contradiction between what I read, what I value, and what I’m truly capable of embodying.

That’s where I tell myself I still have a way to go in psychotherapy. It’s one thing to say something, to recognise a truth — it’s quite another to embody it.

When Lao Tzu says: “Let’s be done with your problems, stop thinking” — you tell yourself: “Alright, but am I capable of doing that?” I think it’s possible. I’ve trained my brain to reconnect with the present, with my body and my breathing. To truly reconnect with what I’m actually doing too. When I’m doing a task, even when I’m working, I try to be one hundred percent focused on what I’m doing — not with my mind elsewhere, thinking about tomorrow. It’s true that I still have this desire to embody what I read. And it’s not easy.

Advice for those supporting someone who is depressed and vulnerable

Margaux: I have one last question for you. Suppose a friend comes to you because they truly don’t know what to do to help a loved one who is depressed and in denial. We’re on the side of the carer. They feel helpless, they don’t know what to say or do around this person. What advice would you give them?

Raphaël: To share their own story. People who are struggling are always more willing to listen when you talk about yourself. Because they don’t feel judged. They have the opportunity to identify with you and understand that they are not alone in the boat.

“Allow yourself to be a little vulnerable in order to build trust.”

Raphaël: I think that when you speak from your own experience, people are quite receptive. Especially when it’s done with honesty, almost without filters. Whether you’re a parent or a partner, it may be an opportunity to reflect yourself on your own psyche, your mental state, your life. And to help that person by saying: “You know, I too — in my youth or during such-and-such a period of my life — felt that same emotion, I was also in psychological distress.” Talking about it can break down barriers in the dialogue and truly help the person.

Margaux: Showing yourself, allowing yourself to be a little vulnerable in order to build trust?

Vulnerability — a strength for breaking the mask of virility

Raphaël: Yes, I think vulnerability and gentleness are indeed values — perhaps ones that are sometimes poorly perceived in certain environments. I’m thinking of professional settings, though things are slowly shifting, thankfully.

I think it’s good for a man, in particular, to allow himself not to perform virility, not to wear a mask of functionality, not to always appear solid. It’s also good if he cries, if he admits his faults, if he says he can’t take it anymore.

Perhaps, in fact, there are many men who appear to be doing perfectly fine on the surface, but who suffer enormously from the character they’re playing. I completely revised my inner dialogue. I wanted to be someone who shone in many respects — and I find that that actually hurt me a great deal. That ego, that egotistic construction, ultimately did me a disservice.

To conclude, I would say that my depression imploded because I could no longer live with that version of myself.

Margaux: In a way, depression was like a hard stop in the face of all that identity construction and all those pretences. It’s a bit as if your body and your mind were saying: “This is no longer possible. We’ve reached the very end. That play should have been over a long time ago. That character no longer interests me. I don’t want to embody it anymore.”

Thank you so much, Raphaël.

This has been both stimulating and touching to listen to. Thank you for testifying with such courage. I hope in any case that this exchange will have given a little hope to those listening — not only those suffering from depression, but also to the carers. Thank you, Raphaël, and see you soon!

Raphaël: Thank you so much for this podcast. See you soon.

About this article:
This article was written in the context of the Erasmus+ KA210- YOU small-scale partnership project “comPASSION is sexy” (Project Code: 2024- 3- FR02- KA210-YOU-000295806), co-funded by the European Union. The project is a collaboration between Les Philentropes (France) and Olotites (Greece), focused on compassion-based approaches to youth empowerment, inclusion, well-being and mental health awareness.

Funded by the European Union. Views and opinions expressed are, however, those of the author(s) only and do not necessarily reflect those of the European Union or the European Education and Culture Executive Agency (EACEA). Neither the European Union nor the granting authority can be held responsible for them.

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