Understanding the Role of Emotions to Better Live With Them

This article was originally published on Sous le tapis and written by Margaux Damain, mental health writer and podcaster. 

What are emotions for? These things that are both so common and yet so mysterious? Sometimes we’d like to silence them, but it’s clear they keep knocking on the door, wanting to be heard! That’s because they have a message to deliver. Even if they are sometimes quite uncomfortable, these messengers are actually our allies.

This article is here to help you understand the needs hidden behind our emotions. Becoming more aware of this (either on your own or with the help of a psychologist) is an essential skill: if you can better translate your emotions into needs, you are more likely to make better decisions for your daily well-being.

What Is an Emotion?

A Simple Definition

In another article about the different types of emotions, I provide a definition of what an emotion is and what characterizes it.

Here it is: an emotion is a reaction—both mental and physical—that is automatic and occurs in response to internal or external stimuli.

Let’s take an example: you see a bear (external stimulus), you get scared (emotion), which translates into thoughts like “Oh my god, I’m going to die!” (that’s the mental reaction), as well as heart palpitations, shaking hands, etc. (the famous bodily reactions).

The Automatic Nature of Emotions

At this stage, the most important thing to note is the automatic nature of an emotion: whether you like it or not, you cannot stop an emotion from manifesting. It is physiologically impossible! However, you can be in denial of that emotion. In that case, you aren’t conscious of the emotion, but that doesn’t stop it from manifesting at a mind-body level.

In this article, we will explore the role of emotions together to learn how to live better with them. Because every emotion is legitimate and carries a message to be decoded… Once decoded, you are able to make the right decisions: the ones that are right for you.

It is a real learning process because, when faced with uncomfortable emotions, we can be tempted to reject or ignore them. This has real consequences for both the body and the mind. In fact, an unexpressed emotion continues to manifest mentally and physically, which can leave lasting damage (repeated or chronic anger can lead to back pain, cardiovascular issues, or the deterioration of social bonds if expressed poorly).

What is the role of an emotion?

Emotions serve two major functions:

1. They provide information about your needs.
2. They serve to communicate your state and your needs to others.

A source of information about your needs

An emotion tells you how satisfied your needs are (for safety, respect, rest, connection, etc.).

To start with, unpleasant emotions express themselves when your needs are threatened.

Example: A friend is (once again) an hour late for a meeting. You feel annoyed, but also frustrated because you’re falling behind on your schedule and you don’t like waiting around doing nothing. The emotions that surface then inform you specifically about your need for consideration. If you value the relationship you have with this person, the next step is to express what you feel and what you need to try and improve the situation. But you still need to express it while minding the connection (otherwise, it might come out a bit harshly and your friend might get defensive…).

A pleasant emotion is just as important to recognize as an uncomfortable one.

Why? Because it indicates that your needs are met. It is therefore an indicator of the situations and/or people to prioritize in your life. Being aware of the events that generate such emotions within you is an essential skill for well-being and happiness! The more you take the time to recognize these pleasant emotions, the more aware you become of what you should keep or repeat in your life.

For example: Did that walk in the forest do you a world of good? Then it might be time to allow for more trips into nature or more quiet time. Another example: Did you have a surprisingly warm moment with that colleague you don’t usually talk to? It might be worth spending more time with them rather than with the people who drain your morale at work or who bring you nothing.

Beyond the concept of needs, I read in another article that emotions also sometimes carry wisdom. I like this idea because it speaks to the existential utility of our emotions… Indeed, your emotions sometimes express the need for deeper and more lasting changes in our lives.

Example: You feel a lot of weariness and anger regarding a new request made by your boss. This isn’t the first time you’ve felt this way. Perhaps these emotions are showing up to tell you that your work no longer makes sense to you, or that working under these conditions has become intolerable for you. What was “okay” just a while ago might not be at all today… Isn’t it time to turn the page by leaving this company or considering a career change?

Things to keep in mind 💡

To be able to understand the needs behind your emotions, you must first allow yourself to feel them (without that, it is impossible to identify them).

Repressing an emotion doesn’t make it go away. It may even tend to resurface, growing in intensity, which makes it harder to live with. If you find it difficult to feel your emotions, or if your emotions are often overwhelming, you can be supported by a psychologist who will help you with kindness and patience.

A Communication Function for Others

An emotion also serves a communication function for the people around you. It allows them to decipher a situation and adapt their behavior accordingly.

Example: A loved one reads sadness on your face. They might then have the reflex to ask how you’re feeling and offer their listening ear and support. They might also decide not to say anything because they know you’d feel uncomfortable opening up, or perhaps because they find it difficult to support someone (sometimes people feel at a loss when faced with the emotions of others…).

In my view, being aware of this communicative function is essential for improving social bonds.

Let’s go back to the previous example: you are happy to see this friend tonight. But you arrive feeling deep sadness due to a breakup… Do you want to express it and indicate your need for support? Or would you prefer to communicate something other than sadness to your friend tonight to lead to a different kind of exchange (because you want to take your mind off things, or because your friend isn’t doing well either and you don’t want to add to their burden…)? Whatever your decision, you make it while being mindful of the impact of your emotions on your relationship with others. Expressing your sadness and your need for support can bring more intimacy and strengthen the bond between you. Keeping that emotion quiet (for tonight) can also be a welcome choice if you feel that what you need most at that moment is lightness. 🙂

What Needs Are Hidden Behind Emotions?

This final part is not exhaustive: its purpose is to give you a few starting points for reflection to help you decode your emotions.

Behind Anger

Anger is expressed when you face an injustice, when you are hurt mentally and/or physically, or when you face an obstacle that thwarts your plans… This emotion reflects a need for justice, respect, reparation, or self-assertion.

Behind Fear

Immediate danger, threatened safety, unpredictability, or a lack of control… In these cases, it is fear that speaks! It indicates a need for protection, security, and reassurance.

Behind Sadness

Sadness manifests when there is a lack, an absence, or even a loss (of something or someone). This emotion reflects a need for support and comfort, to reflect on the consequences of the loss, or to find meaning and understand priorities.

A brief aside: One day, I read a social media post mentioning that behind jealousy, there was sadness being expressed over the loss of something in the relationship. I found that very accurate and beautiful in a way: instead of letting jealousy express itself violently, perhaps it sometimes invites us to tell the person we love that we value the relationship and that our jealousy reflects grief over a loss (of intimacy, exclusivity, attention…)? Something to think about…

Behind Joy

Ah, joy! This emotion is there when we’ve reached our goals, when our needs are met. It reflects a need for sharing and strengthening social bonds…

A Spotlight on the Emotions of Joy

The different emotions associated with joy (pride, gratitude, love, hope, inspiration…) are not just simple rewards. For researcher Barbara Fredrickson, they are true catalysts for resources! Indeed, pleasant emotions encourage us to explore, learn new things, cultivate good social bonds, and develop skills—whether they are intellectual, social, or emotional…

Before You Go

• You can create a summary table of needs to use as a memo.
• You can get this card deck on the language of needs, which is helpful for understanding what your emotions are saying.

You can also read our other articles on emotions to discover what the different emotions are or to learn how to regulate them.

About the Author and Project

This article was written by Margaux Damain, founder of Sous le tapis and a writer specialized in mental health. Margaux relies on scientific studies (systematic reviews and meta-analyses) as well as works by psychiatrists and psychologists to make knowledge about psychological well-being accessible. She transforms expert research into content tailored for the general public. Her goal? To democratize mental health and encourage everyone to practice self-care.

About this article:
This article was written in the context of the Erasmus+ KA210- YOU small-scale partnership project “comPASSION is sexy” (Project Code: 2024- 3- FR02- KA210-YOU-000295806), co-funded by the European Union. The project is a collaboration between Les Philentropes (France) and Olotites (Greece), focused on compassion-based approaches to youth empowerment, inclusion, well-being and mental health awareness.

Funded by the European Union. Views and opinions expressed are, however, those of the author(s) only and do not necessarily reflect those of the European Union or the European Education and Culture Executive Agency (EACEA). Neither the European Union nor the granting authority can be held responsible for them.

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